Orianthi - According To You, and quick hits

Orianthi - According To You

I'm a bit late to the party here. The tides are already turning; I don't hear this on the radio every four songs anymore. Good riddance, if you ask me; this is utter shit. That's not a reflection on Orianthi; she didn't even write it. The writers, instead, were Steve Diamond and Andrew Frampton, the latter of whom I am assuming is not the footballer Wikipedia links to.

You'd be forgiven, however, if you thought Orianthi wrote it. The song's packaged that way: the grrl-power (but not riot-grrl; that'd be a bit too transgressive and not sufficiently marketable) empowerment anthem of a young girl making big. "So many people have gone through the experience of not feeling good enough," Orianthi said in an interview with Reuters. It's meant to make teens -- more pertinently, girls -- feel good about themselves.

So why the hell does it have such a terrible message?

It starts out OK, as Orianthi enumerates all the failings her ex-boyfriend ascribes to her, presumably building up to the Big Refutation. Her voice is likable. "I'm a mess in a dress" is a great line. And the guitars come crashing in, all played by her, and she gets ready to deliver the big kiss-off: "But according to him -"

What.

Not only is it asymmetrical -- "according to you" should logically be countered by "according to me" -- it completely fucks up the message. So what you're saying is that no matter what kind of crap your ex puts you through, it's OK, because you'll just put your self-esteem in the hands of another future ex! And to the listeners, most of whom are young, any girl or guy they slot into that spot will most likely become future exes. That's how it works. It makes the song weirdly circular -- how long will it take before the New Guy becomes the Crappy Ex? -- but horrible.

And it would have been so easy to fix it, too. Almost all it'd take would be a pronoun swap. But apparently we can't have independence unless it's approved by Ne-Yo or sells a Charlie's Angels movie. Oh well.

You could interpret this another way, of course. The song's on mainstream top 40 radio, sure, but top 40 radio stations aren't averse to a little vague Christianity where their dick's at (or even not-so-vague -- remember that song "I Can Only Imagine"?) So you could make that Him capitalized and make it a religious song. Sounds great, right? Until the rest of the chorus happens with the "irresistible" and the "everything he ever wanted" and "he's into me," and the whole thing sounds like you're the Lord's personal courtesan. Yuck.

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And now for some quick hits:

- I don't know why Timbaland - Carryout is catching on. First of all, it's got to be the least sexy conceit ever. I mean, even Donne's flea had some sucking action going on. Fast food just reminds one of polyester uniforms and frying grease. And when it's not talking about that, it's weirdly clinical; "areas" is such a boring word for the erogenous anatomy (almost as boring as "erogenous anatomy"), and "foreplay" is something better shown than told.

- Christina Aguilera - Not Myself Tonight is out and it's decent, if a letdown after the iamamiwhoami hype. It's still a grower. But I don't understand why they released the lyrics first. It's like Kraft releasing an ingredients list before a new product: generally this stuff is best unseen. I mean, even something massive like Bad Romance would look like shit as words on a page.

- Taylor Swift - Today Was A Fairytale -- She's just parodying herself at this point, isn't she?