My thoughts on Telephone, let me show you them.

So I was all ready to send a post on Orianthi down the chute (fuck that song, incidentally; more on this later) when Lady Gaga decided to release the music video for "Telephone."

Now, before you read any further, please understand three things:

- "Telephone" is my favorite fucking song right now. You have no idea. I first heard it on our local radio station a month or so ago and it turned an absolutely crap day into something beautiful for a few minutes. I listen to it at least three times per day. I don't know how much of this is attributable to Gaga and how much to Darkchild (because I was a heavy, heavy, heavy Mya fan back in the day. Still am.) but still.

- The "Bad Romance" video was the best video I've seen in a long time, if not ALL TIME, and if it does not win big at the awards ceremonies I will personally hunt down someone to Kanye that shit. So I was one of the masses who refreshed YouTube right at midnight. I was looking forward to this. But then...

- If you are a true fan of something, you will be open to criticism of it. Period. White-knighting only makes you look immature.

With that said, I thought the video sucked.

Why? Let me count the ways!

- The product placement. The product placement. Oh my fucking God, the product placement. Now, I understand that in an interview, Gaga meant this as "commentary" on how many ads people see. This is where people will argue "See? You just don't get the art!" But look. You can't do product placement ironically, because it's still product placement. It accomplishes its goals either way. And you can't do it satirically either for the same reason. You've either got to make up tacky fake products (like lots of speculative-fiction authors do) or take your real-world product placement to such vulgar extremes that you can't see it as anything but as an indictment. And this is harder than it sounds -- Idiocracy is about the only thing I can think of that pulls it off.

So what we have here is an extended ad for Virgin Mobile, Diet Coke, Coors Light, Wonder Bread, Plenty of Fish, Honey Buns, etc -- and the fact that I can remember all of these brands two hours after watching the video is proof of how damn insidious this shit is. Your video's about diner poisoning? This is mind poisoning. Seriously, Gaga, fuck the product placement. You have enough money to go without it, and its presence is annihilating your attempts at being transgressive.

- The fact that the warden is on a dating site at all is a standard laugh-at-the-ugly-person and/or laugh-at-the-old-person joke. She has the GALL to want to find companionship, but of course she's FAILING, because she's so OLD and UGLY and has a MANNISH VOICE! Laugh, little monsters! Yeah, not cool. And you'll also notice that damn near all the people who get to parade around in near-undress fit conventional skinny-blonde beauty standards. Which reminds me....

- I'm by no means averse to nudity on principle. I'm the farthest thing from a prude that you'll find. But damn, can we get some equal opportunity in here? At least LoveGame had shirtless guys. Here, all the men get clothes and all the women get outfits from a porn set. I give it five years before porn and pop culture are indistinguishable. This is where a lot of people are going to argue "But it's not exploitative -- it's art!" Those things aren't mutually exclusive, though. Look at art history. You can have both.

- From a racial perspective, it's concerning how Beyonce basically plays the sidekick here. Yes, I know about Video Phone. But which video became a worldwide event? When was the last time you heard Video Phone on top 40? (On a related note, a commenter on the YouTube site pointed out that, apparently, Beyonce's "fuck" is bleeped while Gaga's isn't. Food for thought.)

So what's an overlord to do? Simple. Continue to love the fuck out of the song and forget the fact the video ever happened. Should be pretty easy. I'm not hurting to watch Just Dance or Poker Face.